My Mind

Here's what I'm thinking about in this moment. I was so excited, what seemed like such an amazing opportunity just showed up right in front of me. One night I had a really hard time falling asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about it. But then following came such a harsh, solid, cautionary no, and it really made me think. It actually brought me to tears more than once because of the height it seemed I had fallen from. Truly bummed.

It made me question what I believed on certain differences between denominations. If thought about too much, the small details in theology almost make me feel like saying "forget the whole thing"! I would never give up my faith over that though. Jesus means too much to me, He's the best thing in my life.

Now, I find myself more reassured in what I know, but more prominently I find myself wishing that the differences between the groups simply didn't exist. That we could be one Body without these annoyances getting in the way.

So now the question confronts me, what do I do? Do I go anyways without the blessing and ignore the leadership placed in my life?

I don't intend on going somewhere because a certain place has caught my emotional workings, or because they have a well designed website (I think that's so important). Y'know, I want to base this on reason and prayer. I'm trying to consider everything, and if, despite a great program setup, the Honor Academy really does have Pentecostal views then maybe I should reconsider things.

If this next year is going to be my first year out on my own, then I want a really solid foundation I can count on. It's looking more and more like a less likely option for me. I'll still keep the possibility open and do some more research, but that's the way it looks right now.

It's distressing me in a way because if not the HA, then where? I'm being brought back to square one and that sucks, but it's alright at the same time. Do I stay at home? Find another place?

It's not accredited and the cost is quite great. I'm realizing, that it's not really the school that I want. I think that what I had put my hopes in was initially the school but now it's becoming more clear that what I want more than anything is the community I imagined I would find if I went. A community of people truly in love with Jesus. A people who would seek after and serve Him with everything they are. People you can trust and grow with. That's what I want for myself wherever I am.

At least I can say I know more of what I'm looking for. I want to put God first. Not art or some other program or education. I'm looking for a bunch of people in love with Jesus making themselves available to be used by Him. And I want to be blessed when I go. I want to listen to the leadership God's placed in my life and I think that that's probably wise.

-papple